Orgasm Problems

Orgasm Problems

Peak Pleasure Can Be Yours

If sex were a banquet, orgasm would be dessert. If it were a European journey, it would be Paris. If it were a romance novel, the part where the star-crossed lovers sigh and finally find one another.

Just as it would be a mistake to rush through the appetizer and entrée, give short shrift to Florence or skip those tantalizing scenes where he casts her longing glances and she casts them back, it would be a mistake to overlook the pleasure of foreplay--and all that follows--by focusing too narrowly on orgasm.

"If a woman is bent on achieving orgasm, she can end up missing out on the pleasure of everything else--and missing out on orgasm," says Sharon Nathan, Ph.D., a sex therapist and clinical assistant professor of psychology in psychiatry at Cornell University Medical College in New York City. "However, if she's bent simply on achieving pleasure, she's not going to end up that far from orgasm."

The truth is, most women don't achieve orgasm every time, but they do enjoy sex tremendously. According to one nationwide survey, 29 percent of women say that they always have orgasm, while 40 percent say that they're extremely pleased with their sex lives. Do the math: Lots of women enjoy sex whether they have an orgasm or not.

That's not to say that orgasm isn't particularly pleasant. It's the wonderful release of delightful tension that builds during sex. When you're aroused, extra blood flows to your genitals, creating this tension. In the moment of release, your vaginal muscles contract and release rapidly in spasms of extreme pleasure, says Dr. Nathan.

SECRETS OF A SATISFYING CLIMAX

Assuming that your doctor has ruled out medical reasons for an orgasm problem, says Barbara Bartlik, M.D., a psychiatrist and sex therapist with the Human Sexuality Program at New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center in New York City, there is really nothing holding you back from a good orgasm--or several.

The obstacles that most often stand in the way--inhibitions, communication problems, inexperience, fear of letting go, stress and depression--can be overcome, says Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., a sex therapist in Orange, California, and author of Sexual Pleasure and Talk Sexy to the One You Love. Here's what you can do.

Talk yourself into it. "The most common reason why women have difficulty achieving orgasm is that they don't give themselves permission," Dr. Keesling says. "And this stems from being taught that 'nice girls don't.'"

The trick in giving yourself permission is challenging beliefs about sex that you've held since childhood. If you do challenge them, you'll probably find that many of them don't hold up. Ask yourself: Do the sex rules that your parents taught you still make sense now that you're a grown-up? Why shouldn't you enjoy sex now?

Know thyself. You have to be sufficiently aroused to reach orgasm, and to get sufficiently aroused, you need to know what makes you feel good. The best way to find out, says Dr. Bartlik, is to explore your body.

To start, set aside 20 minutes when you know that you won't be interrupted.

"First, do something relaxing, like taking a hot bath," explains Dr. Bartlik. "Then, look at your genitals in a mirror. Put some lubricant on your finger and touch them. Touch your vaginal lips, your clitoris and your vagina. Find out which areas are most sensitive and what kind of touch feels good. Sometimes using a vibrator can help, though you may not feel comfortable doing that right away."

Practice touching yourself in ways that heighten your arousal to the point of orgasm. When you have an orgasm, you'll feel your vaginal muscles contract around your inserted finger about once every second, explains Merle S. Kroop, M.D., a psychiatrist and sex therapist in New York City.

Speak up. When you find what you like, tell your partner about it, says Dr. Nathan.

While you're at it, get in the habit of talking about all facets of your relationship with one another. Unresolved conflicts can put the damper on sex, and orgasm, adds Dr. Bartlik.

Try new positions. If you're like most women, you'll need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, says Dr. Bartlik. The surest way to climax, then, is to have your partner fondle your clitoris with his fingers or tongue or to stroke your clitoris yourself. (It may be easier to achieve the right kind of clitoral stimulation during intercourse if you're on top.)

Some women have an extra-sensitive spot on the wall of the vagina, about two inches inside the vaginal opening. Stimulating this spot, called the G spot, can also lead to orgasm. The G spot gets a lot of friction during rear-entry intercourse, so if your vaginal wall is responsive, give that position a try, suggests Dr. Keesling.

By trying a lot of different positions, you'll find the ones most likely to lead to orgasm, says Dr. Keesling.