Inhibited Sexual Desire

Inhibited Sexual Desire

More Sex, More Often, More Fun

Robin was happy. She'd met a nice guy. They'd fallen in love. They got married.

Then came the wedding night.

"When they started having sex, she had a terrible time," says Kathleen Gill, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in Wellesley, Massachusetts, and a lecturer at Harvard Medical School.

Robin (not her real name) confesses that she simply wasn't interested.

Her lack of sexual desire and the problems that it caused in her marriage eventually brought Robin to Dr. Gill for professional help. Through therapy, the root of the problem came to light. Because Robin's father had hit her when she was a girl, she grew up fearing men, and intimacy made her feel vulnerable. And as a result, Robin's sexual desire hovered around zero.

Robin experienced a textbook case of what psychiatrists refer to as inhibited sexual desire (or hypoactive sexual desire disorder). And some degree of inhibited sexual desire isn't uncommon among women, says Dr. Gill.

If deep-seated conflicts are to blame, seeing a sex therapist or psychologist is the first order of business, says Barbara Bartlik, M.D., a psychiatrist and sex therapist with the Human Sexuality Program at New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center in New York City.

In less extreme cases women continue to have active sex lives but have lost interest in sex, says Dr. Gill. When desire has fizzled, the culprit is more likely something more temporary, like stress, fatigue, conflict with the woman's partner, or unhappiness with her partner's technique.

Hormonal changes triggered by birth control pills, premenstrual syndrome, pregnancy, nursing, menopause, hysterectomy or hormone replacement therapy can put the kibosh on desire as well, says Dr. Bartlik. So can periodic bouts with depression or anxiety.

Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to cultivate desire.

PUMP UP YOUR LOVE LIFE

Here's what women doctors say that you can do if your sex drive has hit an all-time low.

Ask yourself, what's changed? If interest has waned, ask yourself, "What has changed since I was interested?" Maybe you're angry with your partner because he is increasingly caught up in his work and seems to be taking you for granted. If so, tell him how you're feeling, advises Dr. Gill.

Compare likes and dislikes. Maybe your sexual needs and your partner's needs aren't identical.

"Say he wants intercourse more often than you," says Dr. Gill. "You might agree to set aside time to engage in some other intimate behavior--oral sex, kissing, back rubs or hugging. The important thing is that you work out a mutually satisfactory compromise. If you feel pressured to have sex, your desire can get even more inhibited."

Get in touch--with your body and his. "One reason why some women have low desire is that they never become aroused," says Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., a sex therapist in Orange, California, and author of Sexual Pleasure and How to Make Love All Night.

Since arousal gives rise to desire, therapists recommend practicing a form of sensual massage that leads to arousal.

You and your partner should make dates to practice this. Set aside a half-hour to an hour when you won't feel rushed or distracted. To start, the two of you should stroke your own bodies, all over, focusing on how it feels to touch and be touched. If stray thoughts crop up (like "I should pick up the dry cleaning tomorrow"), turn your attention back to what you're feeling. Do whatever feels good. The idea is to learn what feels best.

Once you're familiar with your own bodies, take turns stroking one another. When you touch your partner, pay attention to how your fingertips feel running across his skin. Don't worry about pleasing him, since this can make you anxious and interfere with arousal. Ask him to let you know if you do something that makes him feel uncomfortable. When he touches you, focus on the sensation of being stroked. If he does something that bothers you, tell him. Let him know how you would like to be touched.

"Use 'I' statements," says Dr. Gill. "For instance, tell him, 'This is what I really like.' " That way, you avoid saying something that your partner could misinterpret as criticism of his technique.

If touching leads to intercourse, enjoy it. "But remember, intercourse isn't your immediate goal," says Dr.Gill. "Your goal is to get to know one another and what you each enjoy."

Make time for intimacy. "Most people operate under the myth that spontaneous sex is the best kind," says Dr. Keesling. "But if you're waiting for spontaneity and nothing is happening, planned sex is better than no sex."

"If you make a date for 10:00 p.m. on Saturday, you don't have to have sex promptly at 10:00," explains Dr. Keesling. "At 10:00, though, set things up so that they're conducive to having sex. Make sure that you have enough privacy. Take the phone off the hook, and make sure that you've bathed and primped and are feeling relaxed."

Set the scene. If candles, incense, soft lighting, pretty sheets and romantic music help get you in the mood, by all means, use them, says Dr. Gill.

Make love to Puccini or Streisand. Whether classical or pop, music can be a powerful aphrodisiac. "Music's ability to arouse depends on two things: its similarity to your heart rhythms--more likely with classical--or the memories attached to a song," says Dr. Keesling.