Anger

Anger

Find the Calm before You Storm

Unlike our mothers, we've been encouraged to express our feelings--all of them. Even anger.

"The older generation of women--those ages 55 and older--was raised to believe that nice ladies don't get angry. But young women got a different message--that you don't have to be a 'nice lady' all the time," says anger researcher Sandra Thomas, R.N., Ph.D., author of Women and Anger and director of the Center for Nursing Research at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville.

That's good, because suppressing anger is a sure way to make you old before your time. Failing to deal with anger has been linked with numerous physical and mental ills as well as premature death, according to Mara Julius, Sc.D., psychosocial epidemiologist at the University of Michigan School of Public Health in Ann Arbor. For more than 20 years, Dr. Julius has studied how coping with anger affects the health of women and men. In her first study, she found that women who suppressed anger during arguments with their spouses were more likely to die prematurely from cardiovascular disease, cancer and other causes than those who expressed their anger during arguments.

Equal Opportunity Destroyer

Now that we're expressing our anger as freely as men, we're suffering like them. Men have long had a reputation for venting easily enough--maybe too easily, since their anger is often misdirected. "A man who is angry for one reason or another will come home and kick the dog," says Sidney B. Simon, Ed.D., a counselor and professor emeritus of psychological education at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst and an author who specializes in anger and forgiveness.

And we seem to be following suit, according to a comprehensive new study on women and anger. "We found that women tend to express their angry feelings most frequently to members of their families--especially their husbands--even if their families are not the source of their anger," says Dr. Thomas, who conducted a study of the anger habits of 535 women. "On one hand, this can be viewed in a positive way: More women now feel secure enough in their relationships to express their real feelings without fear that they will end those relationships. But some constraints must be practiced. Yelling and cursing solve nothing and can cause a lot of alienating, especially when they involve children. Little kids don't understand why Mommy is really angry at Dad or the people at work but is yelling at them. When this occurs, and it occurs frequently, it can cause a whole new set of problems--including guilt."

A Is for Aging

Not that dealing with the A-word has ever been a walk in the park. "When you get angry, there are various physiological changes in the body, because anger triggers the fight-or-flight response," says Christopher Peterson, Ph.D., author of Health and Optimism and professor of psychology at the University of Michigan. "The adrenaline gets hyped up, the heart beats faster, the respiration becomes more rapid and shallow and digestion stops."

When they occur often, these changes take a toll on your health. Getting angry frequently has clearly been established as a contributing factor to higher rates of heart disease, high blood pressure and other life-threatening illnesses, especially if you have a Type A personality and get angry easily. "Everything bad that anger does to men it also does to women," says Redford B. Williams, M.D., director of the Behavioral Medicine Research Center and professor of psychiatry at Duke University Medical Center in Durham, North Carolina, and author of Anger Kills. Women start out with lower risk of heart disease than men, he says, but hostility increases that risk just as it does for men.

Anger also affects our mental capabilities. "All emotions have some influence on the way we think, but strong emotions can actually slow your ability to rationalize, solve problems and make decisions," says Dr. Julius. "When you're feeling anger, rage or hostility, it overwhelms you. In some people, it slows down the thinking process; in others, it stops the thinking process completely."

Adds Dr. Peterson, "Anger also causes us to lose our sense of humor and to alienate people. It takes its toll on our energy, creativity and all those other things that might keep us feeling young."

Extinguishing the Ire

So what can we do? After all, we will get angry; everybody does. And surely nobody is advising that we hide the rage, frustration and other feelings that can eat us up inside, because that does even more harm than expressing them.

The answer? Get angry when you're provoked, says Dr. Julius, but don't stay that way. Cool off and identify the source of your anger. Remove the source by identifying the underlying problem.

If anger is handled correctly, says Dr. Julius, all those related health problems--elevated blood pressure, obesity, depression and even future heart problems or cancer--can be avoided. "You become ill during chronic prolongation of anger," says Dr. Julius. "In other words, it's not so much getting angry that hurts. The damage is done when you stay angry. If you get angry and deal with it quickly and effectively, the damage is minimal, if anything."

So here's how to blow your top without blowing it.

Get busy to chill out. While men are quicker to fly off the handle, women tend to stew for as much as an hour before their anger is spent, says Dr. Thomas. It's during this time that much of the physical damage is done. "One thing that's really effective is to do something physical during this time," she advises. "Take a walk. Go for a swim. Vacuum or clean out your closets . . . anything physical that you can do will help."

Since anger triggers the fight-or-flight response, your body will want to either fight or move (fly), Dr. Thomas explains. Exercise burns off this adrenaline more positively than does idle stewing, allowing you to think more clearly about how to deal with your anger.

Take a zen-minute break. The workplace is one of our most frequent sources of anger, but the office isn't always the best place to unwind by logging some miles or laps. "In situations where you can't exercise, find a quiet spot and meditate, breathe deeply or practice some other type of relaxation technique," says Dr. Thomas.

Know your limits. A lot of our anger is over things we can't do anything about. "Take traffic, for instance," says Dr. Julius. "Everybody gets angry at traffic, so I won't say 'Don't get angry when you're stuck in traffic.' But you don't have to be consumed by that anger if you do what you can but realize that it's all you can do."

In other words, try to avoid traffic by rescheduling your commuting time or taking a bus or train. "But realize that you alone cannot stop traffic, so getting angry about it is a waste of your energy. Instead, channel your feelings into using this wasted time more effectively--by listening to music or audio books in your car, planning out your schedule or some other activity," suggests Dr. Julius.

And count your blessings. "It's also important to realize the trade-offs--to count your blessings, so to speak," adds Dr. Julius. "When you're stuck in traffic, think of all the positive things: the fact that you own a car and that along with city traffic come some advantages--museums, good restaurants, parks." It takes some time to do this, but it helps put things in perspective. When you're angry at your kids or husband, thinking about how lucky you are to have them eases your anger.

Choose your targets. "It's important that you express your anger, but there are constraints against expression in a lot of situations," says Dr. Thomas. "For instance, it's usually disadvantageous to express your feelings in the workplace to your supervisor or even to your co-workers. Even if you're doing everything right, speaking in a totally rational and low-key manner, the other person is likely to get defensive and later engage in vindictive behavior."

You have to be careful with whom you share your feelings, or they might come back to haunt you. Dr. Thomas's advice: "Pick a close friend, confidante or someone else you can trust--and not necessarily the subject of your anger--to tell how you feel."

Mind your I's and you's. It's always better to express your feelings rather than to tell others how they should have behaved, says Roland D. Maiuro, Ph.D., director of the Harborview Anger Management and Domestic Violence Program in Seattle. One way is to concentrate on giving "I" messages. For instance, it's better to say "I was angry that you didn't drop off the car" than "You said you'd drop off the car, and you didn't." "You" messages sound accusatory and put people on the defensive, setting up rather than solving arguments.

Surround yourself with happy people. "If you want to not be angry, try to associate with non-angry people," advises Dr. Peterson. "These ways of feeling and acting are contagious. The trick, of course, is to surround yourself not with some annoyingly positive Pollyanna people but with rational people who see solutions to problems."

Be a joiner. Some anger stems from loneliness, so adding to your social calendar can help. "Sometimes you have to force yourself to get involved. You may not like everyone, and they might not like you, but being active breaks up depression, and depression can leave many people angry," says Dr. Peterson. "Besides, joining clubs and other groups helps you see the accomplishments in your life, which can defuse feelings of anger, loneliness and depression."