Grief

Grief

The death of a loved one is never easy. And as we get older, each loss can seem that much more painful and close to the heart. Each year, for instance, about 800,000 Americans are widowed. According to data from the U.S. Bureau of the Census, 47 percent of women and 14 percent of men 65 and older will have lost their spouse. Add in the deaths of countless friends and relatives, and you could be lugging around a hefty load of grief.

But although it hurts, grief also heals.

“The death of a loved one, particularly a spouse, is one of life’s most stressful events,” says Laura Slap-Shelton, Ph.D., clinical psychologist with a specialty in neuropsychology at the Child Study Center in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania. “When you lose a spouse after many years of marriage, you not only have lost a person but also you’ve lost a lifetime of shared experiences and shared identity with someone you loved. Being able to weep over that loss and express anger and other uncomfortable feelings is part of the healing process. Grief will definitely help you heal your emotional wounds, but it will take some time.”

How much time depends on the person. For some, grieving may end within a year. For others, it may take years to get over the period of mourning. Some sadness and a sense of missing your spouse may persist indefinitely for some. Grief counselors also know that bereavement is seldom tidy. It has no set course and can meander unpredictably through a vast array of emotions, including shock, denial, anger, despair, and acceptance.

“Most people feel numb or in shock immediately after the death of a loved one. It doesn’t really sink in that the person is dead. This is actually healthy because the shock helps the survivor function in the first few days after the loss and do the necessary things like put together a funeral,” says Daniel L. Segal, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs.

In the weeks or months following the loss of a loved one, those in mourning commonly experience poor appetite, weight loss, insomnia, fatigue, forgetfulness, and concentration problems, says George T. Grossberg, M.D., director of geriatric psychiatry at St. Louis University School of Medicine.

But while grief isn’t pleasant, repressing it is worse. In fact, people who bury their grief are more prone to lengthy bouts of clinical depression and other serious emotional problems than those who openly express their sorrow, Dr. Grossberg says.

So learning to cope with your feelings of loss and moving on with life is vital to your physical and emotional well-being. Remember, it is only natural to feel sad when a loved one dies. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to grieve and let the healing begin, Dr. Slap-Shelton says. Here are a few suggestions.

Try This First

Share your sorrow. Seek out friends and relatives who can understand your feelings of loss and are willing to listen. Talking will help you to accept and resolve the loss, says Harold G. Koenig, M.D., author of Is Religion Good for Your Health? and associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Duke University Medical Center in Durham, North Carolina.

“It’s very important to express and share those negative, painful emotions as soon as you can with someone you feel close to,” Dr. Koenig says. “If you don’t, those feelings are going to keep popping up and make it more difficult for you to function.”

Other Wise Ways

Join a support group. Even more than family and friends, other people who have recently lost a loved one will understand the painful emotional roller coaster you are riding right now, Dr. Slap-Shelton says. “In a support group, you’ll meet people who have been through similar experiences and have practical answers for many of the problems you’re facing. You can cry and tell people exactly how you feel, without being judged,” she says. Check the Internet, the classified ads in your local newspaper, or ask your clergy or doctor for information about bereavement support groups in your community.

Create a memorable memorial. Honor and remember your loved one in a way that has personal meaning for you, Dr. Segal suggests. Plant a tree, compile a photo album, volunteer your time at a favorite charity, or simply finish a project that your loved one started. Creating an ongoing legacy in memory of your loved one will help you heal, he says.

Let the words flow. Record in a journal your thoughts and feelings as you grieve, Dr. Slap-Shelton suggests. Think of your journal as a private and personal place where you can express your innermost emotions without being judged or criticized. It is often helpful to write a letter to your spouse as a means of expressing feelings directly to your lost loved one. Unloading your grief and safely storing it away in a journal also may help you feel less guilty about diving back into community life.

Speak the unspoken. Although it may be painful, picture the deceased person as you would like to remember him or her. Then take time to speak to the image of that loved one. Say all the things you wish you had said before the person died, says Dennis Gersten, M.D., psychiatrist in San Diego, imagery expert, and author of Are You Getting Enlightened or Losing Your Mind? If you’re angry, sad, or feeling frightened, let the deceased person know that, too. This imaginary conversation can be remarkably healing, Dr. Gersten says.

Dive back in. Resume your daily routine as soon possible. Stay involved in religious activities, go back to work or your volunteer position, or get back into your exercise routine. Do many of the activities you enjoyed prior to the loss, Dr. Segal says.

“If you used to enjoy going to a movie once a week, it’s important to keep doing that, even though your spouse isn’t there. Find someone else to go with you. It will help prevent you from becoming isolated and dwelling on the loss,” Dr. Segal says. “Doing that will be hard at first, but it will get easier and it will help you realize that life can and will go on. Survivors and others should realize that this is only the first stage of an ongoing process. Their loss may not have consciously registered yet.”

Postpone major life changes. In the depths of grief, you may be more prone to make rash decisions that you’ll quickly regret, Dr. Slap-Shelton says. So for at least a year after the death of your spouse, hold off on making important lifestyle decisions such as selling your home, moving, or remarrying.

Be patient with yourself. Don’t try to rush yourself through your grief. Everyone recovers from a loss at his own pace. “The worst thing you can tell yourself is, ‘It’s been three months, I should be over this by now,’.” Dr. Segal says. “You’re just putting unrealistic pressure on yourself that will make you feel bad about yourself and make things worse.”

Remember, some days will be better than others. You may feel absolutely great one evening but wake up the next morning filled with despair. That’s a normal part of grieving that may persist for months. And that’s okay, Dr. Segal says.

Get some good scents. The soothing fragrances of essential oils such as jasmine, rose, and lavender can help lift your spirits, relieve stress, and help you cope with grief, says John Steele, aromatic consultant in Los Angeles. The sparkling, lemony scent of melissa, also known as lemonbalm, is particularly effective for grief because it has antidepressant, euphoric qualities, Steele says. Apply a drop or two to a tissue or handkerchief and inhale whenever you’re in need of some comfort, he suggests. Melissa, lavender, and other essential oils also can be mixed together to create a fragrance that is particularly uplifting for you. Essential oils are available at most health food stores.

Pray along the way. If you are religious, prayer can help you release your loved one to the care and protection of God, says Dr. Koenig. As you pray, imagine yourself in a beautiful place holding hands with your loved one. Now imagine that God walks up with his arms open, ready to receive the deceased. Give your loved one a deep embrace, put your loved one’s hands into the hands of God, and let him or her go. Watch your loved one walk away with God (who has His arm around his or her shoulders) until they are completely out of sight.

This prayer ritual is so powerful that it has helped relieve grief-related depressions that have lasted for many years, Dr. Koenig says.